Five Quick Tips for Couples

Have you ever taken a child bowling and used those guard rails so the ball doesn’t go into the alleys of the lane? Wouldn’t it be great if there was something like that for communication in relationships? Here are five tips that can act a bit like those guard rails and keep your relationship on track!

1)      Avoid Saying “Always” and “Never”

Many of us do this one. I hear it regularly in my sessions with couples. It will often sound like, “You never tell me when you’re coming home.” Or, “You always say you will do something but you never do it.” Instead, you can use words like:

  • “Yesterday”

  • “Sometimes”

  • “Frequently”

  • “Often”

2)      No Name Calling…ever.

Sometimes, we get so angry and frustrated that we lash out. For some of us, we grew up with name calling being something that was done regularly. Whatever the reason, keep in mind, name calling can create invisible fissures in your relationship that can have long-lasting, damaging effects. If you are feeling super angry, let the other person know that you are escalating and you need some space. Go to the bathroom or kitchen, splash cold water on your face, run your wrists under cold water to literally and figuratively take the temperature down. Then ask yourself, “What is it I want to say and what is the best way to get that across to the other person?”

3)      Stay on Topic

When in the midst of a conflict, stay on topic. It is so easy to get distracted as the argument escalates and emotions and thoughts begin to go in multiple directions. We might start an argument talking about financial choices and end up talking about the amount of time your partner spends on the phone while you are having dinner. Conversations about challenge and conflict are important to have and can be very beneficial to understanding your partner’s perspective and deepening the relationship. You miss an opportunity to do this when you switch topics mid-argument. Make an effort to catch yourself or your partner when this happens. It is almost magical how staying on topic can decrease the likelihood of volcanic eruptions and increase understanding of what the other person is upset about leading you closer to resolution.

4)      Let Your Partner Know You Are Listening

There are SO many distractions in our everyday lives from phones to short attention spans to a “What now?” mentality where we tune out. When your partner is talking to you, stop what you are doing (reasonably) and show them you are listening to what they are saying. This can be done by:

·         Reflecting back what they just said

·         Providing interjections like “mm-hm” or “uh-huh”

·         Making eye contact

·         Putting your phone down

·         Using statements like: “Yes, that makes sense that when I do X you feel Y” or, “Although I don’t agree with everything you said about X, I can see your perspective the way explained Y.”

Making your partner feel seen, heard and understood is a game-changer in your relationship. It can feel bonding and create connection as well as de-escalate a heated moment and allow you to see that it is the two of you against the problem and not the two of you against each other.

5)      Lean in at the Beginning of Conflict

Or, as I like to say, the opposite of resistance meets resistance. If you imagine a test-car hitting a wall at 30 miles per hour, the impact is 60 miles per hour. That is, in part, due to resistance. It is similar when we are in an argument. One person says something that we don’t like or is inflammatory and we send that feeling right back at them. And then what happens? You are in an argument. What if you were to lean in or be genuinely interested in what was bothering the other person? If this sounds challenging, it may not be totally natural, but we often do this with children. They get upset about something and instead of yelling at them, we will ask them a question to learn more. You can do this with your partner as well. That might sound like:

  • “You sound frustrated. What happened?”

  • “I can see I made you upset. Let’s talk about it.”

  • “Help me understand what you’re feeling.”

Here is a bonus tip: Love your partner the way they want to be loved not the way you think you should love them.

If you would like help in understanding how to love your partner the way they want and need or any of the other above items, please reach out to us at SG Therapy Group to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists. We work with couples and individuals and provide a warm, welcoming and confidential space that is free of judgment. We look forward to connecting with you!

Aviva Brill, LCSW

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About the Author

Aviva Brill, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in aging parents, anxiety, relationships, and career transitions. She incorporates a range of modalities from CBT to Task-Centered and Solution-Focused theories into her treatment. Aviva is also Spanish speaking! Read more about Aviva here.

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