Toxic Positivity: It’s Okay Not to be Okay
Toxic positivity has become a more well-known phrase in recent years but can sound a bit like an oxymoron. When hearing this term it’s not uncommon to think “Isn’t positivity, well, positive?”. While this is a completely understandable question, the answer is a bit less clear. While positivity can be a good thing much of the time, it can also take a negative turn when we force positive feelings as a way to avoid more uncomfortable emotions. Toxic positivity is when we focus solely on positive emotions and aspects of life while ignoring difficult emotions or areas in our lives where we may be struggling. While this may sound ideal, it can invalidate normal and healthy negative feelings that are necessary for living a full life.
Toxic positivity frequently shows up when we’re attempting to make someone feel better. Some common examples of toxic positivity are:
Everything happens for a reason!
Look on the bright side!
It could always be worse!
Just focus on the positive!
That’s not so bad!
Positive vibes only!
While these comments are intended to be motivating and uplifting, if we’re going through a difficult period of time, excessive positivity can end up being detrimental to our mental health. By encouraging the person to look towards the future, we unintentionally invalidate the emotions they’re feeling in the present. When we urge someone to focus solely on the positive, we can discourage them from sharing their negative feelings with us. This leads individuals to internalizing their emotions which can cause an increase in stress and anxiety levels. Unfortunately, ignoring uncomfortable feelings doesn’t cause them to go away, instead, it can make them worse.
As humans, we’re capable of having multiple emotions at the same time. This is completely normal and healthy! It’s important to remember that both positive and negative feelings are equally as valid and necessary to maintain a healthy life. Negative emotions let you know that something needs to change. Without these feelings we’d likely remain in situations that are detrimental to our physical and/or mental health.
When we experience negative emotions it’s important to listen to what they’re telling us. Taking a moment to explore the reasons behind what you may be feeling is necessary to alleviate the unwanted feelings. While ignoring negative emotions is not the answer, acknowledging them and exploring the root causes is the best way to begin moving towards a more positive state of being. Validating and accepting your feelings, whatever they may be, is a great way to care for yourself and offer support to others that may be struggling. Offering/receiving validating statements instead of toxic positivity statements can have a big impact in yours/other’s healing. Some examples of validating statements are:
I’m here for you through both the good and bad.
This isn’t easy and you don’t have to pretend it is.
Is there anything I can do? I’m here for you.
That sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
This is hard. We’ll get through it together.
However you’re feeling is okay.
It’s okay to feel bad sometimes.
Do you want to talk about it?
While the intention of toxic positivity may be to uplift and encourage someone, it doesn’t offer any tangible advice for how to manage our negative emotions. Engaging in self-care, however that may look for you, is an excellent way to give yourself permission to feel and move through the emotions that come up. Whether it’s getting more sleep, exercising, listening to music, going for a walk, starting a new project/activity, binging a TV series, or speaking with a therapist, we all benefit from taking care of ourselves in different ways.
If you’re attempting to force positive feelings as a way of coping with your negative emotions you’re not alone. Toxic positivity is very common within our society and impacts how we speak to ourselves and others. When we fall into this pattern it invalidates normal and healthy negative feelings that are vital to living a successful life.
The good news is we’re here to help! At SG Therapy Group, we offer therapy services that are highly customized to each client’s needs. Together we can help you move from toxic positivity to accepting and validating.
Sydney Gideon, LCSW
About the Author
Sydney Gideon, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in trauma & PTSD, anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder. She incorporates EMDR, CBT, and Trauma-Informed Therapy into her treatment. Read more about Sydney here.