Boundaries: What they are and What they Look Like
As a therapist, I find myself frequently stressing the importance of boundaries both with my clients and in my personal life. Setting boundaries is a vital part of creating healthy relationships in all aspects of our lives. Boundaries also have been shown to increase self-esteem and reduce stress, anxiety and depression. So, what exactly are boundaries? Boundaries can be broken down into physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Physical boundaries include our bodies, personal space, and overall privacy. Emotional boundaries involve a clear separation of our feelings from another’s feelings. When the line becomes blurry as to who’s feelings are whose and which feelings are our own, that’s when things become messy. This can look like taking responsibility for another person’s feelings, blaming others for our individual problems and accepting responsibility for theirs, sacrificing our own needs to please others, and allowing others to dictate our own actions/feelings/response. This blog will focus mainly on varying ways emotional boundaries can be implementing into our lives.
Frequently, when setting boundaries with people in our lives, we’ll receive some sort of pushback. Identifying what’s best for you, in terms of other people’s involvement in your life, may not be understood by others. However, if you express your needs to someone and are met with resistance, that’s a pretty good indicator there are boundaries necessary to be implemented. Both setting boundaries with others and having someone set boundaries with us can feel like a form of rejection. However, I encourage us all to view boundaries as a way of communicating and understanding each other’s needs. The more we continue to view boundaries as a form of rejection, the less likely we are to implement them and stick to them. We’re also more likely to take offense when boundaries are set with us. Boundaries are determined by what is best for the individual, not by what benefits other’s in the individual’s life.
I’m someone who typically needs more a more concrete idea of what something looks like. So, what exactly does it look like implementing emotional boundaries into our lives?
Eliminating content (whether it be social media, news, etc.) that is triggering.
Sharing what feels comfortable to you. No more, no less.
Not rationalizing or justifying your behaviors or decisions.
Saying no to things you do not want to do.
Saying yes to things you do want to do.
Allowing yourself to feel and validate your emotions.
Releasing relationships that do not serve you.
Continuously checking in with yourself and your mental/emotional regulation.
Taking responsibility for your own emotions and not taking responsibility for other’s emotions.
Checking in with yourself before helping others. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
There are many different areas of each of our lives where boundaries can be helpful and self-protective. These areas include family, friend, dating and social media boundaries. Examples of each of these are listed below!
Family
I will not be discussing my financial situation with you.
If you make rude comments about my dating life, I will end the conversation.
I will no longer be put in the role of “mediator” or “helper”.
I will not listen to either parent vent about the other parent.
I will not listen to either parent vent about my sibling.
If you make rude comments towards me, I will leave the space.
If you make rude comments towards my significant other, friend, etc. or do not treat them with respect we will leave.
Any comments on my weight, positive or negative, are not welcome.
Comments around intimate details of my life are not welcome.
I’m going to prioritize my mental health over traditions on holidays.
I’m not going to answer your calls at a time that’s inconvenient for me.
I will only be sharing what I’m comfortable sharing.
Friends
It makes me uncomfortable when you talk about our other friends behind their back.
I don’t feel comfortable when you make comments about my body. Even if they’re positive.
I’m not feeling up for plans tonight. I need to cancel.
Thank you for inviting me but I’m going to have to pass.
Now’s not a good time to talk. I’ll call you this weekend.
I am not okay with you making racist/sexist/antisemitic/etc. jokes or comments.
I’m available for lunch/dinner but need to be home by ___ time.
I’m not able to be your primary support system right now.
I care about you, but I need to put myself first right now.
If you lie to me, I won’t be able to remain friends with you.
It makes me uncomfortable when you make jokes about my insecurities.
I do not want to talk about my ex.
Please do not post photos without my permission.
I just need someone to hear me. I do not need advice right now.
I need you to respect my time, just as I respect yours.
I will only share what I’m comfortable sharing.
Dating
I need some alone time tonight.
I am not comfortable sending naked photos.
I need us to put our phones away when we’re on dates.
I’m not okay with you speaking that way about my friends/family.
I will only share what I’m comfortable sharing at the moment.
I need you to respect my time as I respect yours.
I am not ready to meet your parents/family.
I am not ready for you to meet my parents/family.
I’m here for you but am not able to be your primary support right now.
I am not okay with you talking about our sex life in front of our friends/family.
I am not asking for your opinion.
I do not want to have sex tonight.
I am not ready to be physically intimate.
I am not ready to discuss that with you.
It’s important for me to have alone time with my friends/family.
I am not ready to take the next step in our relationship.
I am not okay with you speaking to me that way.
I am not okay with you using degrading language.
I am not okay with you making racist/sexist/antisemitic/etc. jokes or comments.
Social Media
I will remove people that negatively impact my mental health.
I will not use social media to track/monitor current or former significant others.
I will limit my social media usage to 2 hours a day.
I will not go on social media after 9pm.
I will not mindlessly scroll in bed.
I will only post things that feel authentic to myself.
I will not post images of others without their permission.
I will wait until 9am to look at social media.
I will turn off my social media notifications overnight.
I will follow accounts that promote body positivity, self-acceptance, and other aspects of well-being.
I will use social media as a place for self-expression and not for validation.
I will remember that there are people on the other side of the accounts/screens.
The boundaries each of us need as individuals vary from person to person. It’s important to spend time checking in with yourself and identifying what feels best for you. Maybe some of the examples above apply and maybe some don’t. I hope they serve as a jumping off point for articulating boundaries necessary in your own lives.
Sydney Gideon, LCSW
About the Author
Sydney Gideon, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in trauma & PTSD, anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder. She incorporates EMDR, CBT, and Trauma-Informed Therapy into her treatment. Read more about Sydney here.