Date Differently
People’s dating stories can be pretty funny. Over the years, friends, clients and family members have shared their experiences of dating on the apps. Where some of those stories are amusing, the actual process often sounds time consuming, expensive and what I hear the most, exhausting.
It seems that, in large part, it’s exhausting because there is a lack of energetic exchange, connection and the sense of unknown and hopeful possibility that often comes with meeting someone for the first time in person. When I think about people dating, finding a partner, falling in love and creating a future together, I think about that critical element of connection. And yet, it seems, with so many forms of communication, that there is less connection than ever before; like there is an unwritten protocol of levels of communication that goes in order of most to least distant:
Email
Text
Phone call
In person meeting
When you’re dating through an app, there is an added layer of communication distance which is messaging through the app! I understand there are practical and safety aspects to this. Nonetheless, it decreases connection.
However, what I understand is that people really do wish they could meet people in person and have that effervescent feeling that only comes from communicating face to face.
So, I thought, why not date differently? Here are seven simple and possibly radical suggestions for you to have a different and better experience when using dating apps:
When you first match, keep the messaging small talk to a minimum. Save it for meeting in person.
You don’t have to meet at night. You can meet after work or during the day.
For those who drink, alcohol does not have to be involved every time you have a date. I understand you’re nervous. Holding a cup of tea or a smoothie will still channel your nervous energy and you will be more present.
You don’t have to go to a bar or restaurant. You can meet at a café.
You don’t have to sit somewhere. You can meet for a walk in a well-populated area or do some other fun, interactive, safe activity.
You don’t have to meet for two or three hours. You can let them know that you value their time and your own and for this first date, you would like to meet with them for an hour.
Every date does not have to cost a lot of money. A cup of coffee for an hour or so or a walk, etc. can be little to no cost.
If you feel self-conscious about taking a different approach, normalize it! Put it in your profile that you use the app as a necessary means to meet people but that you actually want to connect in person and not spend weeks messaging. Let them know you would like to talk to them directly when you do actually get together, so you have lots to talk about.
Social media and Covid made us overly accustomed to being behind screens or talking to one another through them. Let people know you are forging something new and are looking for other people who also want to connect with real, live human beings, face to face. Interacting in person can be fun and healthy as you stretch yourself to move out of your comfort zone and step out from behind the screen.
If you would like more practical guidance on dating or other tough-to-navigate topics, please feel free to reach out to schedule a 15 minute consultation or your first session! We’d love to hear from you!
Aviva Brill, LCSW
About the Author
Aviva Brill, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in aging parents, anxiety, relationships, and career transitions. She incorporates a range of modalities from CBT to Task-Centered and Solution-Focused theories into her treatment. Aviva is also Spanish speaking! Read more about Aviva here.