Restarting Dating? Use The Flag System
Whether you decided to re-download dating applications or recently became open to meeting potential partners again, the beginning stages of dating can be overwhelming. If this is something you struggle with, I have a helpful tool to assist you in navigating this process.
Getting Ready
It can be challenging, especially after a relationship ends, to consciously decide to open yourself back up to others. Taking time to show compassion to yourself is necessary for healing and getting to this stage of readiness. A state of readiness can look different for everyone but some things to look out for are:
You have openness to being vulnerable
You are genuinely interested in forming connections with others
You’ve taken time to reflect on what you’re looking for in a partner
You feel content with yourself and aren’t relying on someone else for your happiness
You know what you’re looking for and can communicate those intentions
Meeting someone new can be overwhelming. There are so many things to get to know about a person: personality, communication styles, values, interests, mannerisms, quirks, family life, etc. Making a list of what you want your future partner to value or possess can be used as a flexible guide rather than strict rules. For example, someone may want a partner who values the outdoors, but if they begin dating someone who may not love being outside, it doesn’t mean that it has to be a deal-breaker.
The Flag System
The first time you meet someone, it can be helpful to use an organized system to clarify how you feel about them. I encourage using the flag system where three types of flags exist: green, yellow, and red.
Red flags are your standard warning signs of an unhealthy partner (i.e. manipulation, abuse, avoidant attachment style, lying, etc.). When these are prevalent, it is important to consider leaving the relationship.
Green flags are ones that resemble positive qualities you notice (i.e. noting they were polite with wait staff at the restaurant, or seeing how close the relationship is with his family member). These green flags should ideally have some correlation to your list of what you look for in a partner.
Finally, yellow flags symbolize data that you have yet to understand or want to know more about. Mentally noting these yellow flags allows you to keep track of behaviors without jumping to conclusions about the person.
Here’s an example of how the flag system can be used on a first date. Let’s say this person mentions they have lost a lot of friends over the years. This may have been said briefly and not detailed further, leaving you unclear on how to feel about this information. Instead of labeling this as a red flag - although it might be, more context is necessary. Perhaps more dates occur and you notice green flags that outweigh the one yellow flag you have spotted. A combination of meaningful green flags along with more data surrounding this yellow flag has the power to help you stay engaged in the relationship and deepen your understanding of them. Yellow flags can evolve into either red or green flags, or if they stay yellow, they may highlight aspects that make a person uniquely themselves or point to challenges that can be addressed in the future.
These are just a few tactics to utilize as you re-enter the dating world. If you need an unbiased and safe environment to unpack questions about relationships, do not hesitate to reach out to schedule a session!
Maddie Persanyi, LCPC
About the Author
Maddie Persanyi, LCPC is a clinical therapist specializing in anxiety, relationship issues, self-esteem, life transition, and trauma. She incorporates IFS, CBT, and strength-based therapy into her treatment. Read more about Maddie here.