Gaslighting: What it is and how it can be identified
As the term “gaslighting” continues to become more prevalent, the meaning behind the word is frequently misunderstood. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation with the intention of causing an individual to doubt the validity of their own thoughts, feelings, or perception of reality. It can be incredibly disorienting leading the individual to question their own mental or emotional stability. Gaslighting can be used to control an individual, manipulating situations to make them feel they caused the abuse. This leads them to believe the blame lies with them.
Gaslighting is not exclusive to romantic relationships. It can occur in any relationship, in any setting, including friendships, colleagues, and family members. While the term has become more frequently used, it can be difficult to identify when it’s happening to you or someone you care about. Below are some of the more subtle phrases that can be used to identify gaslighting.
“That’s not what happened.”, “You never told me that.”
The above phrases highlight the perpetrators need for control. The gaslighter is attempting to control the narrative while denying any version of events other than their own. These phrases attempt to convince the individual that either they’re wrong or they’re remembering things wrong.
“Let’s start with a clean slate.”, “It’s water under the bridge.”, “Let’s forgive and forget.”
These phrases can be a highly effective way of pretending past events never happened. It allows the perpetrator to come off as kindhearted, willing to forget any mistakes that they believe the victim might have made in the past as a way of deflecting from their own actions. It diminishes the individual’s experience as insignificant enough to simply forget while absolving themselves of any wrongdoing.
“It’s not that big of a deal.”, “You’re too sensitive.”, “You’re overthinking it.”
These statements immediately trivialize and invalidates the individual’s feelings. It clearly communicates that their experience is not important which can cause them to doubt the validity of their emotional response.
“Don’t take it so personally.”, “You’re too emotional.”, “You’re being dramatic.”
These statements take the responsibility off the perpetrator and instead puts it on the individual for how they’re responding. They can cause the individual to second guess themself and their reaction which can lead to a lack of trust of their perception of events. In this phrase the gaslighter immediately invalidates the victim’s experience.
“It was just a joke!”
Calling something a joke can be used to place blame on the individual for their response instead of the perpetrator taking blame for their actions. With gaslighting, hiding behind humor can be used to dismiss offensive comments about appearance, personality, or behavior. It can be a way to passively put the person down while calling into question their ability to differentiate between what’s true and what’s false.
“Nobody else feels that way.”, “Everyone agrees with me.”
Whether true or not, gaslighters typically reference other people’s perspectives to, yet again, invalidate the feelings of the individual. By saying other people feel differently than they do, it reinforces the cycle of the individual second-guessing their own experiences. This mind game is very effective and very dangerous.
The first step to removing oneself from an unhealthy dynamic is identifying what is truly happening within our relationships. The consistent manipulation can cause individuals to doubt their own experiences and perceptions of reality. If any of the above phrases or experiences resonate with you, a therapist can be a great resource to provide unbiased insight and support around a difficult situation.
Sydney Gideon, LCSW
About the Author
Sydney Gideon, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in trauma & PTSD, anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder. She incorporates EMDR, CBT, and Trauma-Informed Therapy into her treatment. Read more about Sydney here.