Regaining Control When Feeling Helpless
Whether you’re considered type A, or identify as type B, humans as a whole value feeling in control. When we feel out of control, our anxiety can spike, depression can increase, and we may start spiraling down a hole that’s hard to come out of. The Covid-19 Pandemic has shown us just how quickly things can become out of our control and the negative impact it can have on our mental health. It’s also shown us just how adaptable human beings are. We’ve created a new lifestyle, implemented new routines, acclimated to spending almost all of our time at home, and connecting with loved ones via technology. Things fell out of our control, and we did what needed to be done to take that control back. But how exactly did we do that? And what happens if despite the new lifestyle and routine, we still feel completely out of control? It’s important to acknowledge the immense impact the recent events occurring around us. I saw a post that said something along the lines of, “I’m tired of living through a once in a lifetime historic event every week”. I can imagine many of us can resonate with that statement. Whether it’s a global pandemic, a heated political climate, or an attempted coup, it has been an immensely difficult time period to live through. While I can’t, personally, make the world a safer place, fix broken systems or end a global pandemic, I hope the tools discussed below will help provide some comfort and reassurance. And as always, when a blog post doesn’t help, therapy might.
One way to begin regaining control when we feel powerless is to give ourselves the “illusion” of control. In reality, there is not much we have full control over. However, humans yearn for the feeling of control and we’re able to provide that to ourselves by tricking our minds. Unfortunately, as we’ve learned this past year, we can’t control the world around us, but we can control what we have for dinner. Bear with me here. If we can’t control the external world, we can cope by exerting control over our internal worlds. This starts the moment we begin our day. What time we wake up, what we wear (currently which sweatpants we decide to put on), what we have for breakfast, and so on. We also have control over some of the bigger things like our career path, whom we choose to spend our lives with, whether we’d like to start a family, where we’d like to live, etc. Bringing awareness to all the things we do have control over can be immensely helpful. More than once, I’ve had a client write out a list of things of every single thing they can think of that they have control over. While this may seem tedious, I’m able to physically see, even over Zoom, their heart rate slow, their shoulders drop, and their breathing return to normal. To put it simply, focus on what you do have control over, the day-to-day mundane stuff. In this crazy world, boring can be the new exciting.
Continuing with the theme of tricking our brains, perception is hugely helpful when dealing with control. Two people can live through the exact same experience and come away with two completely different perspectives. An introvert may believe the pandemic is the best thing that’s happened to them while an extrovert feels it’s the worst punishment they could ever think of (these are overly exaggerated of course). However, perspective also matters when looking towards things that haven’t happened yet as well as things that have happened in the past. If we experience something we’d categorize as negative, the perspective we’ll have on how we view that time period in the future largely depends on the meaning we’re able to draw from the experience. When thinking of something negative that may happen in the future, we typically overestimate the duration of the experience and just how bad it will be. For example, if someone told you in March, you’d be in quarantine for over a year, you and the rest of the world would likely completely freak out. However, if you reflect on your experience being home since March, it’s likely not as terrible as you would’ve thought initially. To put it more simply, humans are incredibly bad at estimating how we’ll feel in the future. Recognizing this and the biases that come with being human, can be helpful shifting our perspective when we feel out of control.
Autonomy is a large aspect of control that we’re able to foster. If we lose our sense of autonomy, then it’s a pretty quick jump to feeling out of control. Creating our own work schedule, switching up our work environment, and bringing awareness to the decisions we make every day can allow us to truly see the aspects of autonomy that are still present. Taking on a new project or choosing to take a few days off are also great ways of highlighting our independence. Making the conscious choice to reframe the thoughts we have and center them around our autonomy can allow you to begin easing the tightness in your chest and tension in your shoulders.
The last thing I’d recommend is setting realistic expectations. If your expectation is to travel and eat indoors at a bunch of restaurants, you’re setting yourself up for not only disappointment but for your lack of control of the situation to be highlighted. Unfortunately, right now, we need to lower our expectations of what we can achieve and accomplish during this time period. That requires recognizing the reality of the environment around us. Once we’ve done that, we can set all sorts of expectations that reasonable within the current constrictions. Doing so allows us to meet expectations giving us the feeling of moving forward, making progress, when everything around us feels on pause.
As I quickly mentioned above, a blog post can be helpful to read, but can’t truly replace the relationship between a therapist and a client. If I was a strong believer in therapy before the pandemic (and I was given that I’m a therapist) I’m even a bigger believer now. Seeing how much therapy has helped me, and hearing from my friends, family and clients, how much therapy has helped them has shown just how powerful an hour a week can be. So, I’ll leave you with that final tip. When in doubt, and a blog post just isn’t enough, try therapy.
Sydney Gideon, LCSW
About the Author
Sydney Gideon, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in trauma & PTSD, anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder. She incorporates EMDR, CBT, and Trauma-Informed Therapy into her treatment. Read more about Sydney here.
