The Spectrum of Guilt
When was the last time you felt guilty about something? Perhaps it was when you forgot to hold the door open for an elderly woman, when you ate the very last bite of cheesecake, or when you had to tell a friend that you cannot come to their birthday party. Guilt is a very complicated emotion that is uncomfortable to experience. Even though this emotion can be distressing, it’s important to know that we can let it move through us without giving it meaning. To provide you with better insight on assigning meaning to your guilt, I will explain the spectrum of guilt and the three points it contains: shameless grandiosity, healthy remorse, and toxic guilt.
Shameless grandiosity (left end of the spectrum): This is the complete lack of remorse for any wrongdoing, therefore this person assigns zero meaning to this type of guilt. The attitude accompanied with a mistake or wrongdoing is: “I don’t care” stemming from their egocentric worldview. The individual doesn’t believe they’ve made a mistake because they don’t feel capable of having done something wrong. Someone who utilizes this lack of meaning with their guilt typically portrays narcissistic qualities.
Toxic guilt (right end of the spectrum): A person who maintains toxic guilt assigns the most meaning to the emotion. Every mistake or wrongdoing is met with negative self regard - “I am a bad person”, “I am a bad friend”, or “I am so stupid”. This type of guilt is labeled toxic for a reason; these negative thoughts about oneself can greatly impact the core beliefs you hold about yourself. Often, no genuine wrongdoing has occurred, such as eating the last bite of cheesecake, and toxic guilt will still take over.
Healthy remorse (middle): This is the ideal version of guilt with one main difference from the above severe ends of the spectrum: positive self regard. Instead of berating oneself for a mistake or being incapable of having the feeling, this person will accept appropriate responsibility, meet themselves with positive regard, and (depending on the situation) take different action in the future. Healthy remorse allows us to acknowledge the mistakes we’ve made, without berating ourselves, to allow ourselves to learn from the experience and make a different decision in the future. Below are some examples of what an internal narrative consisting of healthy remorse looks like.
“Oops! I forgot to hold the door open for this woman who is struggling. I feel bad that I wasn’t aware of my surroundings. I know I am not a bad person, though. I am confident that going forward, I will be more aware of those around me who need some help.”
“Darn, I feel really guilty for eating that last bite of cheesecake because I’ve been working so hard to eat healthier. It is okay, though! This one bite isn’t going to make or break my eating habits and I can allow myself a treat today!”
“I feel so bad that I told my friend I couldn’t come to her birthday party, but I am spreading myself way too thin by adding this to weekend plans. It's okay for me to set boundaries by saying no and I am going to work to let go of my guilt.”
If you find yourself stuck experiencing toxic guilt, or are experiencing frequent instances of shameless grandiosity, we are here to help! It can be difficult not to assign meaning to emotions, so therapy is a great place to help you begin moving towards the ideal balance of healthy remorse.
Maddie Persanyi, LCPC
About the Author
Maddie Persanyi, LCPC is a clinical therapist specializing in anxiety, relationship issues, self-esteem, life transition, and trauma. She incorporates IFS, CBT, and strength-based therapy into her treatment. Read more about Maddie here.