Rituals of Connection in Relationships
Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. They have been married for over 35 years and are world-renowned for their work and findings on relationship stability and divorce prediction. I learned many things during my training at The Gottman Institute, one of which is the importance of feeling connected to your partner. This is a necessary component to maintain a healthy relationship. In my time working with couples, I have seen a direct relationship between time dedicated to deepening their connection and the quality of their relationship.
Throughout life, it’s normal for other obligations such as work, children, or family to take priority over your romantic relationship. This shift in focus can cause a feeling of disconnect between you and your partner. When this occurs, we can feel unsupported, lonely, and insecure. Gottman and Gottman emphasize the importance of continuously implementing rituals of emotional connection. A ritual of connection is time dedicated towards a shared experience that fosters meaning within the relationship. This time can be utilized to reconnect with our own and each other’s moods, worries, hopes, plans, or even jokes. Rituals can be performed formally, through holidays or anniversaries, or informally, at mealtimes or before bed. Listed below are more examples of formal and informal rituals.
Sharing meal times - This daily activity can be used as a time that fosters conversation to discuss your day, upcoming plans, retelling funny moments, or sharing gratitudes.
Spending mornings and/or bedtime together - These time periods in the day can serve as a moment to catch up on plans or recaps of the day, expectations of one another, or time devoted without screens to be in one another’s presence. Having morning coffee or tea together is a great way to connect before jumping into the chaos of the day.
Celebrating each other’s success - Visiting a favorite restaurant or opening a bottle of champagne can help a partner feel extremely valued for their accomplishments.
Taking care of each other when sick - Understanding how your partner likes to be taken care of is very important as many people can have different values surrounding illness.
Initiating sexual intimacy - Couples can use discussed physical or verbal cues to let their partner know they want to initiate intimacy.
Bringing up issues or expressing needs in the relationship - Naming this type of conversation makes it easier to request having your “deep talk”, “intimate chat” or “check-ins” so that both parties mentally prepare for this discussion.
Celebrating birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries - These events have significant opportunities to create traditions in the family.
Rituals surrounding stress, exhaustion, or failure - Knowing how your partner likes to wind down or practice self-care can serve as a helpful connection point in the relationship.
Dates and getaways - Time spent together outside of the home and separate from your normal routine can pose opportunities for adventure, spontaneity, and shared experiences. Ensuring that vacations or dates are planned in advance can help prioritize this ritual.
Prioritizing these rituals ensures emotional connection remains a priority in your relationship. This increases empathy and understanding, creating a solid foundation for tackling life’s obstacles. I encourage you to begin a conversation with your partner around the importance of shared rituals and the impact they can have on the success and longevity of your relationship. Share this post with them, or if you’d like to schedule an appointment together, click the “contact” button to get started!
Maddie Persanyi, LCPC
About the Author
Maddie Persanyi, LCPC is a clinical therapist specializing in anxiety, relationship issues, self-esteem, life transition, and trauma. She incorporates IFS, CBT, and strength-based therapy into her treatment. Read more about Maddie here.