What Are Boundaries and Why Are They Important?
Over the past couple of years “boundaries” has become somewhat of a buzzword in our society, but what does the word actually mean? We can picture boundaries as a force field we’ve created around ourselves to protect our physical and mental well-being. They are both physical and mental limits we set to let ourselves and others know how we expect to be treated. By setting boundaries we let others know that we have value and our needs are just as important as theirs are.
Boundaries are essential for our individual well-being and the health of our relationships with others. They allow us to have a deeper understanding of our own and other’s needs that enhance our positive relationships. As we change as individuals and enter different stages in our lives, our boundaries will also shift, making them always a work in progress. When setting boundaries it’s likely you’ll receive some pushback from those in your life. Typically, the people who have the most difficult time adapting to your boundaries are those that benefited the most from the prior lack of boundaries. These are the relationships that ultimately will benefit the most from their new dynamic.
Types of boundaries:
Physical
If you’re in an argument with your friend and you walk away, can they follow you? If you’re sitting on the couch, how close is it okay for your partner to sit next to you? If you’re in your room with the door closed should your mom knock or can she walk right in?
Emotional
Have you identified ways you are not okay with being spoken to by your family? If your partner yells at you or calls you names how will you respond? Is it okay for your friends to give their unfiltered opinion around your relationship?
Sexual
Have you discussed what you are and are not okay with in terms of intimacy within your relationship? Are there areas of your body you’re not comfortable being touched? Are there words or actions that make you uncomfortable within the sexual aspect of your relationship?
Social
Are you comfortable with your partner scheduling plans for the both of you without asking? Is it okay if your friend invites additional people into your plans? Are there individuals you’re not comfortable with you or your partner socializing with?
Financial
Do you want to have combined finances with your partner? Are you okay splitting a check evenly with your friends even if your meal was less expensive? Do you feel financial transparency is important within your family dynamic?
Self-Care
If you need time alone how will you communicate this to your partner? Is it okay for your mom to join you while you meditate in the morning? Are daily walks done with friends? What are acts of self-care you engage in and when are you comfortable with involving another person?
Tips to establish healthy boundaries:
Identify what your boundaries are.
This may seem like common sense but identifying what your boundaries are in a concrete way is important in order to effectively communicate and enforce them with others. It can be easy to disregard our own feelings in the moment, so taking the time to think about what’s important to you and why can be helpful in moments when boundaries are tested.
Prioritize your boundaries.
While all boundaries are important, some have a bigger impact on your life than others. There are some boundaries that when crossed simply cause an annoyance like someone entering your room without knocking. Other boundaries are non-negotiables such as physical violence.
Communicate your boundaries to others.
In most cases people will not be aware of your boundaries unless you directly tell them. Your friends may not know that you’re not okay with splitting the check evenly. Your partner may think it’s okay to schedule plans for you without asking. By explicitly communicating our boundaries and setting expectations we set our relationships with our friends, family and partner up for success.
Immediately communicate if your boundaries are broken.
Letting someone know when they’ve crossed your boundary can be very difficult. Many of us are conflict averse and would rather be uncomfortable with our boundary being crossed than uncomfortable confronting someone. If we choose not to communicate when a boundary has been crossed we are establishing a precedent that we are okay with people violating them. Informing someone that they’ve made you uncomfortable or upset doesn’t need to be a big event. A one sentence reminder frequently does the trick!
Ready to invest in your relationships?
Identifying what our boundaries are, communicating them and then enforcing them can be challenging. The good news is we’re here to support you! At SG Therapy Group, we offer boutique therapy services that are highly customized to each client’s individual needs. Together, we can help you identify and set boundaries to strengthen your relationships with the important people in your life.
Sydney Gideon, LCSW
About the Author
Sydney Gideon, LCSW is a clinical social worker specializing in trauma & PTSD, anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder. She incorporates EMDR, CBT, and Trauma-Informed Therapy into her treatment. Read more about Sydney here.