How to Reconnect With Your Partner After Having Kids
Takeaway: Welcoming a new family member can inevitably cause your dynamic with your partner to shift. In this post, I’ll review some common challenges that new parents face and offer tangible tips to help you reconnect with your partner after having kids.
Whether you're a brand-new parent or have welcomed a new baby into your family for the second (or third, or fourth) time, you're likely seeing your relationship with your partner change in real time. Not all of these changes are negative, but it can be a big adjustment.
If you're struggling with this, know that you're not alone. As a couples therapist in Chicago, I hear so many couples talk about the ways their relationship has changed after becoming parents. I've also helped them find their new rhythm and grow stronger than ever.
This is possible for you, too! By learning about how parenthood affects your relationship and trying some of my tips, you and your partner can cultivate a happy, healthy relationship after having kids.
Let's dive in.
How parenthood can impact your relationship
You likely have already started to feel the effects of parenthood on your romantic relationship. At the same time, it can be validating to know that other couples have some of the same struggles.
Here are a few of the common ways that your relationship can shift after you add children to the mix.
Sleep deprivation
As you know firsthand, bringing your new baby home is the start of many sleepless nights. While it's par for the course as new parents, sleep deprivation can still have intense effects on your mood, mental health, physical health, and, yes, your relationship.
Less sleep means less energy to connect with your partner. Plus, when you have a few hours (or minutes) to spare, you might choose to get some extra sleep instead of spending time with each other.
Changes in your sex life
If you've recently given birth, you may notice changes to your sexual desire related to hormones, physical pain, body image issues, and more.
Even if you're the non-birthing partner, you might feel too tired to get in the mood or be so focused on caring for your little one that sexual intimacy becomes low on your priority list.
Differences in parenting styles
Regardless of how long you've been a parent, you and your partner may disagree on certain elements of raising your child.
There are so many decisions when it comes to parenting, including how to discipline your child, what their daily routine should look like, who to involve in your child's life, and more. It's natural to have some differences with your partner, but these challenges can also cause strain in your relationship if left unresolved.
Financial strain
Having a child costs money. Between the hospital bills for delivery, all of the baby equipment, formula, and more, costs can add up quickly.
Talking about money can be a stressful topic, especially if it feels like your budget is falling short. In fact, research suggests a significant amount of couples report that financial strain negatively impacts relationship intimacy. Check out this survey.
Role changes
When you become a parent, your priorities and responsibilities shift. This inevitably creates a change in your romantic relationship as well.
While these role changes aren't a bad thing, they can take some getting used to. Thankfully, my tips can help you and your partner navigate this (and the other challenges we already discussed).
7 tips for reconnecting with your partner after having children
Now that we've clarified how having kids can impact your relationship, let's talk about what you can actually do about it. These are some pointers that have worked for my couples therapy clients, and I recommend that you give them a try, too.
1. Prioritize quality time
Before you had children, it may have felt easy to focus on your relationship. Now that you have a baby, it will take more effort and intention to spend time with your partner.
Having a dedicated date night can be a great way to make sure this happens. At the same time, regular date nights aren't realistic for every couple, especially if financial constraints make it hard to get extra childcare.
Maybe you can commit to having your morning coffee together without phones or other distractions (unless your child needs you, of course). Focusing on quality over quantity can be an effective way to connect even if it feels like you don't have much time.
2. Don't forget alone time
While the main focus of this article is reconnecting with your partner after having kids, I want to urge you to remember the importance of alone time as well.
When you're a parent, it might feel like all of your time is devoted to other people: kids, other family members, bosses, coworkers, and more. If you feel spread thin, it might be hard to actually enjoy the time you spend with your partner.
Prioritizing some alone time can ultimately help you show up as your best self when you feel ready to reconnect with your partner.
3. Foster emotional intimacy
If you're struggling in your sex life specifically, it can feel daunting to think about how to reconnect. You might feel like you're not sure where to even begin, especially if it's been a long time since you've connected in that way.
I recommend focusing on growing emotional intimacy before trying to dive back into a sexual relationship. If you and your partner feel close on a heart level, it might feel easier to reconnect physically.
Prioritizing non-sexual physical touch can be another stepping stone in this process. Think: holding hands, snuggling, kissing, and more.
4. Focus on communication
Communication is a crucial part of building emotional intimacy and reconnecting with your partner in general.
Maybe your partner is experiencing struggles at work that you don't know about. Maybe you've been feeling resentful about taking on more of the household chores but haven't clearly expressed this.
Talking about things is the key to resolving issues. It can be helpful to schedule time during your day or week to touch base about your emotions, logistics (including scheduling and domestic duties), and even something as simple as how your day went.
5. Make room for change
Having children fundamentally changes the dynamic of your relationship—and this is okay.
If you're constantly striving to "get things back to how they used to be," you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Instead, reframe your mindset toward creating a new normal. You're growing into new territory together, and that's a beautiful thing!
6. Be patient
Both you and your partner deserve compassion. While parenthood can be a beautiful gift, it also comes with its fair share of struggles.
This is true whether you're a new parent or have had kids for years. There's always something new to navigate, which can be both exciting and overwhelming.
I encourage you to dig deep and find grace for yourself and your partner. While there's nothing wrong with striving toward growth, it's also okay to embrace where you're at right now.
7. Seek support
If you and your partner are struggling to reconnect after having kids, it can be helpful to get support outside of your relationship. Consider joining a parenting support group or talking with friends who have been through it to see what valuable insight they have.
Working with a mental health professional can also be helpful. In therapy, you'll learn more about each other (and yourselves), learn new ways to connect emotionally, and get personalized strategies from a professional to help you stay emotionally connected even after your sessions end.
At SG Therapy Group, we offer boutique therapy services that are highly customized to each couple's unique needs. Together, we can help you rekindle your connection and build a stronger relationship than ever.